Success, Love And Fear

 To hell with good intentions As your lips bleed lies.  Its time for me to go Before I start to believe, poof hog tied. Fantasy painted reality and pain made Me a believer, in you a regular deceiver.  I shall cry a river over you With the most honest of tears of misspent years.  As I burn fire bright to the most  Plain of ash, to rise the most Powerful phoenix's from the past.  I will no longer bend down on bended knee Just like you would have me.  The world will know your name  In the worst kind of way.  Imprinted in history, soft whisper in memory. You have no control over me.  It was nice to meet you and I hope to never meet again But I will keep a piece of you within To serve as a reminder of what not to do again. 

This tornado of thought is like a self brewed poison.  A symbolism of toxic religion with it's self proclaimed steeple.  A gospel of isolation and suffocation as I try to swallow my storm Of pain in hope of taming it, just to end up spiraling in a whirlpool of my  Own self deprecation and pity party humiliation.  When did my reflection become the version me that I desired to be? And the real me a horrible figment of insecurity and imagination? I sing, "Tubthumping," at the top of my lungs like some sort of personal fight song to just keep going.  Somewhere along the line I forgot about me as I helped you find you. Have I ever had a definite answer as I helped everyone out like it was some  Sort of fast spreading cancer?! When I walked by the other day, you called me by another name and acted as you should be  the one offended as I turned to walk away, just to keep from crying in pain.   It is hard to take back your soul when all you have known is ...

 It is not normal to fancy death in the way I do.  But there is something tempting in the pain of letting it all go,  The sweet relief from all the screams that wake me in the early hours of the morning.   But no chemicals please, not one for the chase of fleeing dopamine And the lying promises of hopeful security.  I've traveled that road before and it turned mothers into monsters. Kind of funny though because the thought of going head first  Into the sea gets a rush out of me.  See again...that deathly sweet release.  There is a darkness that has settled in my soul and it's taking a toll Planted there in a time I didn't know better But nurtured in a way that only the traumatized could appreciate.  I wonder if a soul could have it's own body if mine would be bruised and bloody.  Standing there asking for another  like it's a typical Monday morning.  I'm looking at the outside from in like a prisoner that has committed tre...