Some things can only be experienced and not explained.

 It is not normal to fancy death in the way I do. 

But there is something tempting in the pain of letting it all go, 

The sweet relief from all the screams that wake me in the early hours of the morning.  

But no chemicals please, not one for the chase of fleeing dopamine

And the lying promises of hopeful security. 

I've traveled that road before and it turned mothers into monsters.

Kind of funny though because the thought of going head first 

Into the sea gets a rush out of me. 

See again...that deathly sweet release. 

There is a darkness that has settled in my soul and it's taking a toll

Planted there in a time I didn't know better

But nurtured in a way that only the traumatized could appreciate. 

I wonder if a soul could have it's own body if mine would be bruised and bloody. 

Standing there asking for another  like it's a typical Monday morning. 

I'm looking at the outside from in like a prisoner that has committed treason.

The problem is I am my own jailer, a guard with nasty behavior. 

And all I want is to truly feel the sun again. 

That or for all this madness to end. And I don't care if it's a sin.

It wasn't until an accidental encounter

With anxiety swinging it's hammer that the

Piercing of flesh all of a sudden mattered. 

The sudden calmness delivered an assurance I should deny.

Because it was a feeling I could only describe as a painful cloud nine. 

But instead here I am standing weak at the knees

Still trying to hold up this mask in a determined fragility.

Damn you mom and dad for this foundation of patches and scars 

Because if anyone gets near it burns and I'd rather 

Throw myself in front of a car then risk another mark.

For many years I would staunch  the bleeding by 

Helping those from feeling what I am feeling. 

But I keep losing gears. Sometimes I don't recognize myself in the mirror. 

Again death is whispering in my ear that I would be happier over there. 

......But the thing is, I wanna stay here.